Written on | October 13, 2010 | 2 Comments
I don’t know what I want and I don’t know why I’m not happy, I just know that I’m not.
This afternoon I had an Attack Of Woe over the ugly glasses in Specsavers, and high-tailed it to Sainsbury’s so I could buy a notepad and a pack of value napkins because they were cheaper than tissues. I planned to sit in Costa and write everything down, get over it, and work things out. The universe had other plans however, and I was accosted by a deaf beggar who tricked me into buying a Christian calendar by pretending it was a sign language alphabet guide. Yes, I realise this sounds absolutely ridiculous. No, I have no idea why these insane things must always happen to me. So my plans was scuppered, and now I’m in the library being confused and trying to work things out with a blog post instead.
It’s been more than a month, internet. I’ve been in Glasgow for more than a month and sometimes that seems crazy to me. Every day I’m relatively happy and the next minute I’m crushingly sad, and I can’t believe I’ve managed to live a month out like this. How long is long enough? When is a reasonable time to say you’ve had it? Is the fact that I feel I could pack everything up and move back to Aberdeen tonight a gut-instinct sign I should do it, or a sign of laziness that I can’t be bothered to try harder anymore? I have no idea, and I go between extremes of wanting to leave this all immediately and between thinking I should give it just a little longer. How do I decide? Does biting the bullet and going back to Aberdeen equate to giving up, or does it mean I’m being assertive and thinking that I can do this but not right now?
Whereas everyone else enthuses about their subjects I have not yet been to a lecture, tutorial, or seminar where I’ve been interested in what I’ve been learning or glad I chose to take the course. Everything is bland, and doesn’t make me one little bit excited to continue with it. I know that I want a university degree, I know I want to be a teacher one day, but maybe I don’t want that right now, anymore. Maybe I never wanted it right now wholeheartedly in the first place. Most people go straight to uni because that’s what’s expected, and only a few diverge from that path and do something else. Maybe I just jumped into this because that’s what everyone else is doing, and didn’t think hard enough if this is really what I wanted for now. Maybe, maybe. Maybe.
I don’t want you to think I’m being stupid, or tell me that I’m not thinking or making decisions irrationally. I have a tendancy to overthink, and God knows I’ll overthink this. But sometimes not thinking and just doing makes sense. An irrational decision may be the best decision I will ever make. I don’t know what I want internet. I am scared to make a decision. I am scared not to make a decision and keep coasting. I am scared to make a decision that turns out to be the wrong one. We’ve got nothing figured out.